When to have baby talk

When to have baby talk

Deciding whether to have a baby is the biggest decision you’ll ever make — and can determine the future of your relationship

Simon Cowell and girlfriend Terri Seymour recently ended their relationship after six years, reportedly because she wants children and he doesn’t. The 49-year-old American Idol judge has never made a secret of his reluctance to get married and become a dad, saying he’s “married” to his job. And what may not have seemed so important in the beginning to Terri, 34, is likely to have taken on greater significance as the years passed.

When you have that vital chat will depend on your age, how you feel about your partner, how strongly you feel about the issue and how loudly your biological clock is ticking. But keeping track of each other’s views on the big issues from early on is vital for a healthy relationship. Research by relationship counselling charity Marriage Care shows that many couples don’t discuss major subjects like whether or not they want kids before they get married. So here’s what to consider before you throw out your contraception.

Your reasons

Having children may be one of the most natural things in the world but how healthy — and realistic — are your motives? Among the most selfish, and doomed, include a last-ditch attempt to save a failing relationship or a bid to gain lifelong love and security. Having a baby won’t guarantee either of these — and as for the first one, it’s likely to put the final nail in the coffin of any relationship that’s less than stable. Lack of sleep and the challenges of a new baby, especially if it’s your first, will put untold pressure on the strongest relationship. It’s also every child’s right to be born for its own sake — not to fulfil someone else’s selfish needs. If you’re simply doing it because it seems like the next logical step, there’s a fair chance you haven’t thought enough about parenthood and what it involves. Ironically, people who decide not to have children have probably given the subject more thought than those who do it just because it’s expected. The best and healthiest motivation for wanting a baby is that you and your partner want to express your love for each other and create a happy and secure environment for the new life you’re creating.

THE EFFECT ON YOUR LIFE

If you think your baby will fit in with your lifestyle — not the other way round — you need a serious reality check. Think about how every area of your life will be affected, from Saturday morning lie-ins and spur-of-the-moment nights out to spending power, holidays, jobs and earning prospects. The only way to get a true picture of how it’s likely to be is to spend time with friends or relatives who have kids. Ask them about the downs as well as ups and how they feel about their new lifestyle SHELF LIFE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP Do you love your partner and want to spend the foreseeable future with him — or is your biological clock getting louder and he’s in the right place at the right time? Is your partner fully committed to your relationship? Being a single parent is hard work physically, emotionally and financially. If you can already see your partnership isn’t up to scratch when you get pregnant, chances are quite high that you’ll end up a single mum. Consider how you’d cope and whether it’s fair to the baby to go ahead. Research shows that kids who have fathers around have higher chances of being healthier and happier.

THE BIG QUESTIONS

Have you discussed other big questions like your attitudes to education, discipline, religion and how you’d divide childcare? Think in advance about what problems may arise and how you’d deal with them. If your partner is a housework dodger, he may not be keen on pitching in with muckier jobs like nappy changing. Do you discuss things calmly and reach a compromise or do you scream and shout until one of you gives in for a quiet life? Learning to resolve smaller issues in a positive way now is a good start for dealing with major ones later.

IF YOU’RE ON THE SAME PAGE

If one of you wants a baby and the other doesn’t, don’t even think about going ahead. Not only will it undermine trust in your relationship, it’s unfair on the child and your partner. Children must be wanted by both parents. If you disagree on having kids and it’s becoming an issue, establish why. If, like Simon Cowell, your partner is adamant that he has other priorities, isn’t prepared to put in the time and effort needed, and won’t change his mind, he’s being honest and responsible. It’s then down to you to decide whether the desire for kids is more important to you than your relationship. However, if he’s not sure why, or it’s related to his own past family experiences, counselling may help work through his anxieties.

GOOD TIMING

Maybe you both want kids but can’t agree about when. Your partner may be keen to start now but you want to get that work promotion first. Or perhaps he’d like more money first and you’re worried about missing your opportunity to be a mum. There’s never a perfect time to have children, so avoid putting it off for too long. However, if one of you has a burning desire to do something else first — like working abroad or travelling — it may be better to get that out of your system if time allows.

YOUR BANK BALANCE

Kids are expensive. So sort out finances first. First, get rid of debts. Write down how much you spend on what and see how much you can economise. Work out how having a baby will affect your income and spending, and find out what help you’d be entitled to, such as maternity pay and other benefits. DAILY MIRROR